The Best Worst Fan Fiction Ever Written
by spacecavy
Summary: A parody of the most cringe-worthy Harry Potter fics Spacecavy and Polyptera have ever read. Harry and Sirius fall through the veil into a terrifying alternate dimension full of slash, vaguely pedophilic relationships, over-the-top Dursely abuse, and . . . Wait. Did someone say spanking?
1. Prologue: A Whole New World

**Author's note:**

_**Mistress Cavy would like to inform our dear readers that we are not responsible in any way, shape, or form for Harry Potter and that highly inflated egos are our only profits from this fic.**_

_**Miss Polyptera kindly reminds our readers that this was a cooperative effort and if one finds it pleasing they should be sure to check out both SpaceCavy and Polyptera's other works.**_

_**Most importantly, Dear Reader, we solemnly swear we are up to no good.**_

**Prologue**

There's a lot of things to be said for luck.

Harry Potter didn't know it, but despite the many times he had been told differently, he was not in fact lucky. Harry Potter was very _unlucky_, and bad luck, they say, always comes in threes.

Some people would suggest that the first piece of bad luck was the rotten circumstances that had brought Harry to the battle in the ministry in the first place, those people would be wrong. It was actually more than a little incompetence and ignorance that had managed to get Harry here. Here being where we are now. With Harry Potter standing over Neville Longbottom cursing his fate... which really wasn't to blame at all.

He swore out of helplessness and rage as he attempted to drag a cursed Neville to safety, watching the prophecy he had long needed to hear fall on deaf ears in the massive room. He hoped that someone in a corner somewhere was writing this down, because he doubted he was going to remember. Stepping away from the fallen Neville in frustration, he itched to jump in and fight beside his godfather, no matter what the man had ordered him to do. He was the reason they were all here, he wasn't going to watch this one from the sidelines. Decision made he stepped forward, pulled his wand out and before a move could be made he watched as Sirius stumbled and fell as Bellatrix's curse hit true.

This moment here was where it began, right then when Bellatrix's curse first hit Sirius square in the chest. Half a lifetime in Azkaban hadn't done very much for dear old Bella and later people would reflect on this moment and think it was nothing short of a miracle that she had landed a single hit at all. It was of course this moment of horrifyingly bad luck that started it all.

A seeker's reflexes had him moving before he had thought to move, he threw himself forward as he watched his godfather slowly fall back, too slow really for it to be realistic. Reaching out for Sirius, his focus on him and him alone he missed the sights and sounds of the battle around him. He didn't hear curse Bellatrix threw at him and made no move to counter the spells headed his way instead all he had eyes for was the only family he had left. Unsurprisingly the harmless curse tickling curse Bellatrix had miscast flew in arc over Harry and hit Lucius Malfoy mid escape.

Harry, though? He didn't care about any of this, all he cared about was the handful of Sirius' robe he caught just as the man's head began to disappear behind an ominous black curtain. This was the second piece of bad luck. It was so incredibly unlikely that Harry would have anytime to grasp anything more than the realization that Sirius was dying, it couldn't have been anything less than a masterful stroke of cursed luck that let him catch Sirius with such a deathly strong grip.

Bellatrix's second attempt to curse Harry was more successful, unfortunately for her bad luck comes in three's and she misfired again. The cheering charm she hit him with was the best piece of magic that would happen to Harry all day. The cheering charm was so powerful in fact that it blasted him right off his feet, still clutching desperately at his godfather as he was thrown forward, right through the veil.

Which of course brings us to the third piece of bad luck. The veil itself. It was incredibly unlucky that the same day that Harry was being blasted into it was the very same day that the steel casing covering the dangerous device had been taken down for inspection and maintenance.

While Harry and Sirius were falling through the veil Bellatrix remained behind, staring at her wand in confusion. Bad luck comes in three's though and as she held the tip up for inspection she blasted herself with a memory charm, and suddenly began to wonder where her Mummy was.. and who were all these people?

.

.

.

Waking with a start, the first thing Harry noticed was not his throbbing head, although he did feel as though he'd gone a few rounds locked in a small closet with a bludger. He didn't notice the thin sheen of sweat covering his body, nor the absence of both his wand and his glasses. He noticed that someone was holding his hand. Eyes shooting open in confusion, Harry was rather disturbed to find a blurry, sallow-skinned figure leaning over him, his curtain of black hair blocking most of the room from view. Someone squeezed his hand, and he could have sworn a male voice he vaguely recognized was murmuring sweet nothings at him.

"What the bloody hell?" he sat up, ripping his hand away from whoever was sitting next to him.

Ignoring the splitting pain in his head and quickly finding his glasses in a nightstand beside him. Cramming them on his face, Harry was finally able to take in the scene around him. He was in a large, poorly decorated children's bedroom complete with enchanted unicorns dancing across the padded railings on the side of his bed. Where was he?! To his relief, Hermione Granger was kneeling by his bed-side, looking fretful. She was clutching, to his complete bewilderment, the arm of Severus Snape, who was sitting in an armchair by his side and looking for all the world as though he'd been there all night.

"Shhh, shhhh, Harry, it's alright. Was it the dreams again?" To Harry's growing horror, Snape's speech drifted off into nonsensical murmurings, and he began running his hand up and down Harry's arm soothingly. Harry contemplated breaking the man's arm off. Looking up at Hermione for help, he mouthed silently in unspeakable disgust and pointed at the obviously deranged potions master before him. Explain. Now, he begged silently.

His concern only grew when Hermione reached out to stroke his cheek gently, saying, "Oh, poor baby, he's sick Severus . . .." Um, what? If this was some death eater scheme to break him, it was working.

"Look, I'm not sick. Can you guys get Ron? Dumbledore?" He barely succeeded in keeping Snape at arm's length as he attempted to crush him in a stifling hug, holding both of his arms out and locking his elbows to keep as much distance in between him and the confunded man as possible. "Anybody?!"

"Oh, Harry," Hermione cooed sickeningly, "You don't have to be brave with us, it's OK," she turned to Snape, giving him the hug he so inconceivably wanted from Harry.

"No it isn't!" he yelled, his voice several octaves higher than normal.

"Oh Severus, our poor baby is sick." she continued as though she hadn't heard him, snuggling closer to Snape.

"We'll get through this," Snape assured her. Harry breathed a sigh of relief and he stopped pawing at him to gaze lovingly into Hermione's eyes. "We always come through, as a family," and then Snape, Potions Master, AKA That Slimy Git, kissed Hermione Granger on the lips.

Despite his earlier assertions, Harry Potter was not okay, he was sick in Snape's lap.

.

.

.

"That bitch!"

Those were Sirius Black's first muttered words upon awakening from whatever spell his dear cousin had used on him. He had no idea how long he was out of the fight, but if that wretched excuse for a witch had hurt Harry, or Remus, or any of the innocent children at the department... well Sirius knew ratings would go through the roof if he took the time to think about what he would to do to her.

Wrenching his eyes open, Sirius took stock of his surroundings. He was in a tent, a rather large tent, and laying on a soft pile of deer skins. So... this wasn't Grimmauld Place, definitely too classy for Azkaban and not classy enough to be a death eater lair. Sitting up, he realized he was not the only one in the fur pile that was probably meant to be a bed.

"Remus?" confusion and concern colored his tone. What strange and terrible circumstances had led the werewolf to fall asleep in the a tent with him? Had Grimmauld place been taken? He reached over and shook the man's shoulder. He was slightly concerned Remus had been so badly injured during the battle he's fallen unconscious next to him after dragging his hexed ass to shelter. If so, where's everyone else? He had to know.

"Moony!" he said a little more urgently.

To Sirius' great relief, the man beside him stirred, rolling over to face him with a smile on his face. "Mmm, you haven't called me that since our anniversary."

Sirius couldn't fight back a bark of laughter; it was, after all, a Marauder's job to make every situation as awkward as humanly possible. Relief washed over him. Clearly the results of the battle hadn't been too devastating, for Remus to joke so early in the morning.

"Will you turn into Padfoot for me?" Remus asked a little too innocently, pushing himself up and moving in so that his face was mere inches from Sirius'. "I'm feeling a little... primal," he snapped playfully at the air.

"Er, Moony, don't you think this has gone far enough. I mean, you probably saved my ass back there, but seriously no homo b-" the rest of his words were smothered by a very wet kiss. If he could've finished though, he would have clarified that their childhood games of gay chicken had never been appropriate before breakfast, you needed to be thinking clearly!

This certainly wasn't one of their childhood games though, mostly because those had never involved any actual lip to lip contact. Being too dignified for early-morning vomiting when no firewhiskey was involved, Sirius Black fainted.


	2. Chpt 1: Never Gonna Give You Up

**Author's note:**

_**Mistress Cavy would like to thank all of our dear readers . . . all eight of them, in fact, for your continued support and patience. We are people of little attention span, Miss Polly and I, and we chose to work on every chapter of this fine work of utter crack before finally finishing this chapter.**_

_**Miss Polptera would like to thank Mistress Cavy mostly for doing most of the writing this week while she has been stricken with.. not love.. but disease!**_

_**Mistress Cavy would ask Miss Polyptra to not scare off their dear readers with talk of skin lesions.**_

_** Miss Polyptera would like to let Mistress Cavy know that she was the one who brought that up, not Miss Polyptera.**_

_**Mistress Cavy would like to post this damn chapter and cease having her many faults expounded upon.**_

_**Miss Polyptera agrees.**_

_**As always, we solemnly swear we are up to no good!**_

Wiping vomit from his mouth, Harry was still able, through his horror, to feel an odd sense of satisfaction. Of all the people to blow chunks on, Snape sure deserved it most. He really deserved significantly worse for a prank like this, and Hermione for agreeing to it. What was she thinking?!

"Oh, Harry, it's going to be alright. I'll summon you a calming draught, and maybe an anti-emetic . . ." Snape cooed, attempting to pull Harry into his vomit-soaked lap for a cuddle. His idea of revenge, perhaps? Harry fought valiantly while Hermione aimed a _scourgify_ at Snape's lap. Snape shivered oddly, giving a very uncharacteristic grin.

"I still get chills of pleasure remembering the last time you had your wand aimed there." Snape said leering at Hermione while Harry retched, bringing up nothing but bile. "Poor baby! Let me help!" Snape waved his wand and two bottles flew into the room, landing gracefully in the potion master's hands.

"You do know how to handle your vials, mine too, but I think that one of the left is just for us darling." Hermione said as she plucked a vial from his hands and replaced it with a clearly labeled batch of calming draft.

Recognizing the greyish brew he'd learned to make in third year, Harry quickly grabbed the nausea-reducing potion from Snape's other hand and began to chug, pocketing the left-overs in his . . . in his. . . "Who the hell put me in footie pajamas?!"

He was in fact wearing maroon footies with playfully dancing snitches flittering across the fabric. How long had he been unconscious? Who had changed his clothes... it couldn't have been Snape? Harry shuddered in horror.

"Harry, were you in the bad place, again?" Asked Hermione worriedly. "Did you forget Sevvie carrying you to bed last night? We would have let you stay in our bed, but it was adults night remember? Here, you need this," she tried to force the calming draught into his hands.

As tempting as it was and as badly as he felt he needed it, he pushed her hands firmly away. The last thing he needed right now was to be less than at his top mental acuity around these two. And really... it was obvious that the source of his problems lay in an overdose of potions, this was clearly a medication induced hallucination.

"I'm not sure what bad place you're talking about, but I think this may be worse than the Department of Mysteries..." Harry replied in a daze as he pinched his face hard. "I need to WAKE UP!"

"Harry, you promised us you'd stop hurting yourself!" gasped Snape, pulling his hands away from his face.

"Wha . ..?" began Harry, but Snape gasped again, staring at his wrist as though it hadn't been there a moment before.

"Where are all the scars?" he looked at Harry quizzically.

Harry shifted uncomfortably, thinking about the words Umbridge had him carve into his hand. How did Snape know about that? But why was he looking at his wrist, and not the back of his hand.

"Harry, have you been putting glamours on yourself again?" demanded Snape. Hermione, behind him, began to cry uncontrollably.

"Oh, those, those, _awful _people!" she sobbed into Snape's shoulder. Harry eyed the door, considering making a break for it while Snape was distracted by Hermione's wails. "He'll never be a normal boy after what the Dursleys did to him, will he Severus?"

Snape continued to coo at her, "The mind healers are hopeful, love. You've seen how he's improved! He's already so much better than he was when we found him in that cage, caked in blood and filth. He eats regularly now and he's finally using the potty like a big boy, you must know he will flourish now that he is in a home that only spanks him in love ..."

"And I'm done," said Harry firmly, attempting to throw his legs over the side of his bed. "I'm going back to Hogwarts and Dumbledore will come and set this - _oof!_" he grunted indignantly as he had a harder time than expected leaving the bed. It was like his legs encountered some soft, invisible barrier as they brushed the bizarre flowery padding adorning the sides of what can best be described as a magically enlarged toddler bed.

"Harry, you need _rest_," said Hermione emphatically. "You need _sleep_."

Desperately, Harry jumped away from their clutching arms, grabbing hold of the sparkly unicorn curtains hanging from his bed. Reaching as high as he could, he used the curtain to swing himself over whatever barrier these clearly polyjuiced loons had erected over his bed (or rather prison). He landed rather gracefully on the soft rug, his footy pajamas having surprisingly excellent traction.

To his profound relief, his wand was within easy reach on a baby blue dresser near the door, he snatched it up and aimed it threateningly at his captors, backing away towards the door. They attempted to follow, but, to his surprise, didn't go for their wands. They both made slow, exaggerated movements, making odd cooing noises Harry supposed were meant to be calming.

"Harry, calm down. You're not well . .."

"You just stay there!" Harry snapped. "I don't know who you are, or what you did with Sirius, but I am leaving. I don't know what you fruit cakes are trying to achieve here, but once I get to Hogwarts _someone _will know what the HELL is going on." With this he backed out of the door, realizing that, for the first time in his life, he was looking forward to seeing Snape. The real Snape, that is.

Quickly surveying his surroundings, Harry saw he was underground, in a flagstone corridor. There was a very familiar door to his right, and a very familiar pair or red heads clustered together, likely planning some mischief... wait.. Harry quickly turned his head away. He hadn't seen that, he didn't want to see anything like that. He focused his attention back on the mission and looked in the opposite direction.

Oh.. He was right next to the potions lab at Hogwarts.

"Well, that was easy."

.

.

.

Sirius once again opened his eyes but this time Remus wasn't sleeping next to him, he was sleeping on him. Instinct kicked in before any rational thought could take hold and he shoved hard, pushing Remus off him and across the tent.

"Be careful Sirius! You could injure the pups!" Remus cried angrily.

"The _what_?" Sirius asked in bewilderment. He hadn't seen any dogs, and why on earth would Remus have a tent full of puppies, anyways?

"I didn't mention that yet did I.. " Remus replied with a blush, his anger suddenly gone, "The potion Severus gave us, it worked! I think there must be at least three. It's a bit early to know for sure though."

"Did you say Snivilus slipped you something?" Sirius asked in disgust, fumbling around for his wand. Of course Snape was involved, that would explain .. . _No, _he thought firmly, _That was a dream. Remus did not just kiss me. _

To his surprise, Remus began pounding the furs angrily, "We talked about this! We agreed to put aside our differences with Severus! For us!" He looked like he was about to cry. Sirius gaped at his long-time friend, utterly unsure of what to do. "I'm sorry," Remus choked suddenly. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. You know how I get this time of the month."

Startled, Sirius dove to the opening of the tent and ripped the flap aside, examining the sky. It was early morning, no full moon in sight. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. Finding his wand hidden in the furs beside him, he turned back to Remus, "I really have no idea what you're talking about. What happened to Harry? Everyone else?"

This was the wrong question. Remus was angry again. "You know that won't work Paddy!" _Paddy?! _"Severus is Harry's legal guardian! He wants to raise him and we agreed to let him help us to start a life with pups of our own."

Too distracted to hear Remus' last sentence, Sirius jumped to his feet, going white, "_Severus is WHAT?!_" Sirius disentangled his robes from the mass of cloth around them, angrily pulling them on. How long was he out? Who had taken off his robes? What the hell had Severus done to Remus? Why did he have _Harry_?! Sirius was about to become the murderer the world believed him to be.

Remus grabbed his arm, "Paddy, don't go! Think of our pups!"

Frustrated, Sirius turned on him, "Why are you talking about puppies right now?!"

"Pups Siri, three of our pups." Remus said, grabbing Sirius' hand and placed it on his slightly bulging abdomen. "Sirius, I thought you were ready. I did this for _us. _Paddy, I'm having your babies!"

Sirius ripped his hand away and threw himself back in horror. A tangible silence filled the tent during which Remus glowed and Sirius gaped.

Sirius did what every self-respecting Black does when someone they aren't married to informs them they are having his child. He made a runner.

.

.

.

Harry sat in Dumbledore's office with all three empty chairs positioned between himself and poor bewitched Hermione and her 'Sevviekins'. He pinched himself again, but to no avail, it had already been over an hour of fruitless arguing to get this far and he hadn't woken up yet.

Dumbledore stared meaningfully at Snape over his half-moon spectacles, "Are you sure he has not consumed some of your potions in another one of his, er, _attempts_? I agreed to let you house him in your quarters instead of the dorms because you were convinced it would be safer . . ."

"Headmaster, I assure you, I removed all poisonous material from my quarters months ago!"

Harry stared at Professor incredulously. It sounded as though they thought he was suicidal, psychologically handicapped, and quite possibly a unicorn animagus or maybe just an 18 month old. What was with that nursery they had him in?!

"It wasn't any of that Headmaster! They kidnapped me! Or... I think they did. I'm not really sure why Hermione is in on this... its possible that we need something for polyjuice reversal," Harry butted in firmly.

Dumbledore looked over at him thoughtfully. "Tell me, Harry, what is the last thing you remember?"

"I already told you that. Fifteen times. I counted. Snape was crying pretty loudly, though, so you might have only heard the last eleven," he said pointedly. The group continued to stare, and Harry sighed and once again recounted his tale of woe, the fight at the Ministry,falling through the veil with Sirius and waking up in this sick nightmare for the upteenth time.

Snape began to cry again. Hermione got up to owl St. Mungo's, but Harry looked hopefully to his headmaster once again. If anyone could fight the effects of whatever was happening to everyone, it was Albus Dumbledore. "Curious," muttered Albus. Harry leaned forward hopefully. "If you not mind, Harry, I wish to cast a simple diagnostic spell on you. It will not harm you."

Harry sighed. "You've already zapped me with everything from an imperious detector to a gender revealing charm. Do whatever you want, I just want to see Sirius." He'd made this request at least as many times as he'd repeated his story, and he was expecting it to fall on deaf ears once again. It did.

Albus Dumbledore waved his wand silently at Harry. At first he thought that, once again, nothing had happened, until he noticed the group of three gawking at a place just above his head. Looking up, he saw a general representation of the human body floating above him, made of green light. He backed up a bit to get a better look. "Curious," Albus muttered yet again. Examining it closely, Harry saw it must be some kind of medical chart. Dim red lights glowed on the body in several places: the arm he had broken in second year, higher up on the same arm where he had been pierced by the basilisk fang, on his right hand where the blood quill had carved words into his flesh, and of course on his forehead the cursed scar glowed brightest of all.

"Where are the gunshot wounds?" asked Hermione in confusion. "There must be some mistake."

"There is no mistake," said Albus gravely, while Harry gasped "_Gun shot wounds?!_" Albus continued, "I have done every spell I can think of to check for glamors and other spells to trick eyes and magic. I found nothing. I believe .. . that this isn't Harry."

The silence after Albus Dumbledore's declaration was deafening. Harry thought he could hear a pin drop, but instead heard a rather loud crash and a lot of cursing as Sirius Black fell unceremoniously through the fireplace into the headmaster's office.

"Harry! You're alive!" he gasped before his eyes narrowed suspiciously "Why are you wearing footy pajamas?"

Harry's horror at the realization that he hadn't changed was drowned out first by overwhelming relief, then trepidation. "Sirius! Wait... are you _my Sirius_? When was the last time we saw each other?"

"_Your _Sirius?" Harry thought he heard him mumble something about being too many people's Sirius all of the sudden, but he quickly became distracted by the sight of Hermione Granger sitting in the lap of Severus Snape in the corner, staring up at him with doe eyes.

Following his godfather's gaze, he rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, "Oiy! Sirius! Over here!" Sirius gaped at them in horror, and as a sudden thought occurred to him Harry couldn't help but ask.. "What is the legal age of consent?! Isn't that statutory rape? Pedophilia? Shouldn't he be in Azkaban for touching her?"

"Oh Harrykins..." Hermione cooed, "You're always so concerned about me, but don't you mummy is a legal adult thanks to all those spins on the time-turner."

Watching his godfather cover his mouth as though trying not to expel the contents of his stomach, Harry nodded and sighed in relief, "Oh thank goodness it is you!"

Snape merely gave Sirius a brief, scathing glance before rounding on Dumbledore, "What do you mean? If this isn't him, then where is my son?!" He was shouting by the end of his tirade, brushing Hermione off his lap as he stood, fists clenched in anger and fear.

Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius cut him off while Harry made funny choking noises behind him, "What d'you mean, _your son_?!"

"You're not still going on about this, are you?" Hissed Snape. "Surely we have more pressing concerns," he nodded towards Harry, who had pulled the bottle of anti-emetic potion out of his footie pajamas and was taking another swig.

"Nope. No. Uh-uh. I can think of absolutely _nothing_ worth more concern than this situation, and you should have seen where I just came from," Sirius replied decisively.

"Dumbledore himself brewed the paternity potion, because you didn't _trust _me to do it!" Severus snapped, sounding surprisingly anguished. "You watched him brew it! Are you doubting even the headmaster now? You knew he was more likely to be my son; the times matched up, and Lily spent so much more time with me than you .. ."

"WHAT?!" Feeling bile rising in his throat at the suggestion that Lily had betrayed James, that _he _had betrayed James, Sirius dove at the potions master, fists raised and magic forgotten. He missed the look of utter betrayal his godson gave him, as well Albus casting the shield charm. Sirius bounced futilely off of the shimmering gold barrier, landing on his backside for the second time in the last five minutes.

"ENOUGH!" Albus' shout caused everyone to freeze guiltily, even Sirius, who had not been under the man's authority for nearly twenty years. "As I said, I have reason to believe this is _not _Harry. Not as we know him, at least. All evidence suggests this may not be Sirius Black, either."

Breaking out of his horrified trance, Harry managed to look away from his godfather, sputtering, "No.. No.. No.. I am Harry. Harry James Potter."

"Perhaps if we brew an identification potion..." Severus offered hesitantly, face softening as he turned his gaze onto his supposed "son", tears still wet across his cheeks.

"That takes a full month to brew, my dear boy" Albus replied gravely. "No, we need a more immediate solution..."

"What about the map?!" Hermione offered brightly. "I think Gary still has it. It's never been wrong before."

"Ah.. the Maruaders Map.. what an ingenious piece of magic. Of course my dear girl, we'll send for young Gary and the map immediately." the headmaster said, brightening up as he snapped his fingers and a house elf appeared. "Now deliver this to young Master Gary Potter, he should be in the great hall or the Gryffindor dorms," the elf snatched up a small note writing itself on the headmaster's desk and disappeared with a loud crack.

"Gary?" muttered Harry in confusion. He couldn't think of any Gryffindors by that name, not that he kept track of all the first years. He felt a hot anger bubbling in his chest that someone had shown his map to some stranger while he was gone, but he firmly squashed the feeling. If it proved his identity, he could worry about getting his map back later, after he convinced Dumbledore to fix Hermione and Snape.

"I thought Harry had the map," Sirius looked up at Harry questioningly, but his godson would not meet his eyes. Dismayed, Sirius began to shout, "Look, he's _crazy_!" Sirius pointed furiously at Snape. "I would _never_ -"

Dumbledore cut him off before another altercation could break out, "Let us save this discussion for when we ascertain exactly where this Sirius Black belongs."

Snape looked like he was barely holding his tongue, with Hermione tugging on his arm and making shushing motions. Sirius stood and glanced shrewdly at the aged professor, "What do you mean, Albus?"

Albus Dumbledore settled himself behind his desk, motioning for everyone to sit down once again. "I can say nothing for certain, except that the young man before us _does _appear to be the Harry we have known for over five years, and yet, at the same time, is not."

"But what does that _mean_?" asked Hermione. She seemed near bursting with frustration at being presented with a puzzle she couldn't work out.

The door opened before Dumbledore could respond. Everyone turned to look at the young man standing staring imperiously at them all from the doorway, clutching a faded piece of parchment in his hand. Sirius was the first to speak, "Um, are you sure the Harry Potter you're looking for isn't right there?"

Hermione looked at Sirius as though he'd gone daft, "That's Gary Potter, can't you tell? He doesn't have the glasses, or the scar." Harry, however, had to agree with Sirius. The young man before them looked a carbon copy of Harry, down to the messy black hair and green eyes.

"Ah, yes, things have been interesting ever since we found Harry's twin, now haven't they. Even the teachers have a hard time telling them apart," commented Albus, watching Harry and Sirius' reaction with open curiosity.

"I have a twin?!" Harry turned to Sirius accusingly.

Sirius threw his hands up in a proclamation of innocence, "Search me! It was just the one of you as far as I know."

"Interesting," said Albus, blue eyes twinkling. "Gary, if you would .. "

The doppelganger's eyes swept over Harry with unmistakable loathing before setting the parchment down on the headmaster's desk. "Er, you wanted to see my map, sir?"

"Thank you, thank you," Albus gave his wand a rather showy wave before settling down to scratch his chin thoughtfully. "Now, what was the password . . .? Ah, yes. _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_," he tapped the paper with his wand. Harry and Sirius watched the familiar lines materialize on the parchment's surface. Six heads crowded over the paper curiously, all focusing on the six names clustered together within the room labeled Headmaster's Office. Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Gary Potter, Harry Potter, and Sirius Black.

Harry was about to let out a 'hah!' of triumph, but Gary interrupted, "Well it certainly is different, the map has been labeling Harry as 'Harrykins Potter Snape' since about midway through last year..."

"Wha . .. ?" Harry began, then realized there was absolutely nothing more to add and closed his mouth.

"This proves my theory, then . . ." Harry was both disturbed and surprised by the excitement in his headmaster's voice.

"Care to share?" asked Sirius sarcastically. For once, Snape looked like he shared the sentiment.

Albus Dumbledore steepled his fingers together and peered at the pair before him intently. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Black . . . I believe you are from an alternate universe."

Everyone exploded at this proclamation.

"But that's not _possible_!" Cried Hermione.

"How can you be sure?" Demanded Snape.

"How can we get _back_?!" Asked Harry, going white.

"There is _no way_ in _any_ universe, under _any circumstances_, Lily banged Snivilus!" Declared Sirius.

"Silence," Dumbledore did not shout, but his commanding tone was as good as a silencing charm. Sirius was the only one who continued to mutter, "Okay, maybe _me_, in some weird twist of fate, but never _Snivilus_; the woman had far too much taste .. ." Albus cleared his throat and Sirius fell silent at last.

"It has been theorized," began Albus, "and today, I believe, proven, that the Veil in the Department of Mysteries is a portal to other time-lines. Dimensions like ours, but where one significant decision was different. Adolf Hitler died in battle, Robert Downey Jr. ate at Carl's instead of Burger King . . . I digress. What I believe has happened, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, is that the two of you are from one such time-line."

Albus Dumbledore had six people giving him a very familiar look. It was the look he received from colleagues and students alike at every welcome feast, the look he was given after every vote he cast from his seat on the Wizengamot, and the exact same stare he was given by Minerva McGonagall at the start of each year, when he informed her of his choice for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position. It was the look of someone seriously concerned for his sanity. Harry was the first to speak, "But, if this is true, and I'm, well, me, and this is the Sirius I know, then where are the Sirius and the," he cringed, " . .the _Harrykins _from this world?"

"That is what I would like to know!" said Snape fervently.

Albus looked thoughtful. "I cannot say for certain," he raised a hand to stave off the flurry of questions, demands, and possibly curses Sirius and Snape were threatening to hurl at him. "However, assuming the Unspeakables theory of alternate timelines is true, I believe their other theory may be. I believe displacing one person from their timeline using the veil will simultaneously displace the person they are replacing, who will subsequently displace themselves from _that _timeline, until someone ends up in a universe in which they either do not exist or have died, thus ending the magical displacement." Albus looked around at his small audience calmly.

"That's _barmy_," said Sirius flatly.

"It does sound a little, erm," Hermione cast around for a politically correct argument, "difficult to prove."

Snape was gazing at Albus with unfathomable intensity, "How do I get my son back?"

Sirius snorted derisively. Albus answered Snapes' question with no small amount of compassion, "I'm afraid it is mostly in the hands of whomever he is with now. Only they can send him back; I cannot bring him here. I can, however, send these two back. Only then will your Harry and the Sirius Black of this dimension be able to appear."

"You suddenly know a lot about this _theory _a handful of Unspeakables have cooked up on an item believed to be so dangerous that no one has actually touched it in two hundred years," Sirius pointed out incredulously, while Snape cried into Hermione's shoulder.

Harry shushed him with wildly gesticulating arms. "But you can send us back? You're sure?"

"I can perform the ritual, yes," said Dumbledore, rather hesitantly. He turned to Hermione and Snape, "Severus, Miss Granger, dear, I would request that you return to your respective duties at this point in time. I need to speak with Harry and Sirius about how they must prepare, and I'm afraid magic so dangerous and arcane will be discussed that you could be arrested simply for hearing it. I assure you I will do all in my power to return your son to you. Gary, you are also dismissed, and I must ask you not to speak of anything you heard this morning."

Snape and Hermione nodded tearfully, but Gary asked "What am I supposed to tell Mary-Sue?"

"Mary-Sue?" wondered Harry aloud.

Gary scoffed irritably. "You know, Mary-Sue. She's your girlfriend, descended from Ravenclaw, remembers all her past lives, can do wandless magic. Mary-Sue." Harry shrugged. "Huh," said Gary. "I guess we're the only ones with a Mary-Sue."

Albus only shook his head. "Use your best judgement, Gary. Her premonitions and Second Sight undo the best laid plans of mice and men .. ."

The two youth and one greasy pervert vacated the room, and Dumbledore turned to his remaining charges, the familiar twinkle in his eye replaced by steel. "You may not have been here long enough to know, but our timeline has a problem," he began severely. Sirius looked about to interrupt, but Albus stopped him with a glance. "Voldemort is back. I know, from young Harry's tale of falling through the veil, it sounds as if your Voldemort is back, as well. The problem is, there is a prophesy, and Harry is the only one who can defeat him. As you may have ascertained, our Harry is, well," Dumbledore winced, "weak, at best, a cowering pile of emotionally scarred and utterly committable teenage angst factory at worst. My apologies." He directed this last statement at the present Harry. "I know how to defeat him, but I simply do not believe our Harry is up to the task."

"Hold up!" Interrupted Sirius. "Are you seriously about to demand that MY fifteen-year-old godson defeat _Voldemort, _the Dark Lord that has turned his counterpart into some infantile, emotionally crippled mess, before you will send us home?!"

"No... not exactly my dear boy. Our Harry hasn't had an encounter with Voldemort since that fateful Halloween fourteen years ago. It was an unfortunate incident with the Dursleys that scarred poor young Harry, most unfortunate indeed. We are quite lucky that Severus is so devoted to the young man's care." Dumbledore paused a moment, as if to grieve the loss of Harrykins once-bright future, " No... Voldemort has no desire to truly harm Harry at all.. quite the opposite, I believe our dear Mr. Riddle is quite stricken with young Harry. Has been for many years now."

"Stricken?" Sirius asked hopefully. "As in, stricken with the same disease?"

"Of course not!" Dumbledore cried jovially, "Stricken with the greatest magic of all; LOVE!"

"Love?" asked Harry blankly. Turning so only Harry could see, Sirius used a finger to surreptitiously circle his ear in the universal sign of crazy while pointing at Dumbledore.

"Yes, my dear boy, Tom Riddle has been infatuated with you ever since he heard the prophecy before your birth. He's quite mad, of course," Dumbledore shook his head dismissively at his incredulous guests as though they were quite happy about the news. "He murdered your parents to have you to himself, but first he murdered countless other people. He even made horcruxes so that you could truly have 'a piece of him' I believe were his words."

Sirius paled, "Horcruxes?" he sounded horrified.

"What's a horcrux?" asked Harry, confused. He was trying very hard not to think about the headmaster's earlier proclamation. Everyone here was nuts; he wasn't going to believe a word they said.

"A horcrux, Harry, is an object containing a piece of a human soul. It is a very dark bit of magic that can only be achieved through murder," explained Albus. "I believe Tom may have gone beyond what even the most broken of men are willing to do. I believe he has rent his soul not once, but seven times."

"Again I ask," said Sirius, "where you are going with this?"

"I do not know where any of the horcruxes are, nor what they look like. However, I believe you, and your Harry, may be able to crack this code, and destroy all seven horcruxes. Once you have achieved this, you can defeat Voldemort and he will have no chance of ever returning to the land of the living."

"So, it's exactly like I said," interrupted Sirius bluntly. "You won't send us home unless my fifteen-year-old godson defeats Lord Voldemort."

Albus scratched his chin thoughtfully, "Ah, is that what you said? Then yes, that is essentially what I am offering."

Harry stood abruptly, "Let's get out of here, Sirius. Everyone in this castle has lost their marbles." He muttered something that sounded like, _In love with my arse. _"Why don't we just go back to the ministry and throw ourselves through the veil again? It's not like it can get any worse."

Sirius shuddered in agreement as he remembered what he woke to that morning. "Okay, but can you at least change to muted pink first? The red and gold on your jammies is giving me a migraine."

"I'm afraid my boy that that is not possible at all, no one has ever returned through the veil." Dumbledore began with a victorious grin, "The greatest minds the Department of Mysteries has to offer have studied it for many years and firmly believe it travels in only one direction... to go through the veil would take you further from your origin, not closer."

"Well isn't that convenient?" snapped Sirius.

Harry hesitated, a sudden thought striking him. "Sirius, d'you think our Voldemort made horcruxes? I mean, clearly a lot of things are different here." He shuddered at his recent memories. "A _lot of things_, but maybe helping out here will give us information we need to defeat our Voldemort. We should at least hear this out."

Sirius looked thoughtful, while Dumbledore added helpfully, "Of course, I could call the Department of Mysteries right now. They would be more than happy to protect you from Voldemort; you should both be safe in their _very comfortable _ labs for the foreseeable future."

"How can we find the horcruxes? Just tell us, you manipulative old bastard," said Sirius through gritted teeth.

"There are clues," Dumbledore added gravely, "Although even my years of study have proved of little use in deciphering them. Nonetheless, I believe in this recording lies the key to finding the horcruxes and defeating the Dark Lord once and for all."

"Recording?" Harry asked curiously, while Sirius looked on skeptically.

He'd been expecting a pensieve memory, or perhaps another possesed diary. The aged headmaster simply waved his wand at an old muggle record player in the corner of his office in response. Music immediately filled the room. It was . . . strangely familiar.

"Professor," Harry began awkwardly, "Are you Rick-Rolling us?"

Albus Dumbledore looked up distractedly from the center of the room, where he had been doing the Safety Dance surprisingly well. "Ah, you know of the magic Tom is using here, my boy?"

Harry suddenly realized he _didn't_ know, because he'd never heard these lyrics before. "Wait, start it up from the beginning . . ." he immediately requested. Dumbledore acquiesced with a wave of his wand and Harry listened carefully this time, taking a preemptive swig from the bottle of anti-emetic potion he'd kept on his person since waking up in this nightmare. As the song went on, he was glad he had.

_I'm a stranger to love_

_You break the rules and so do I_

_A blood oath commitment's what I'm thinking of_

_You wouldn't get this from any other guy_

_I just wanna imperius you until you love me_

_Gotta make you understand_

_Never gonna blow you up_

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_Gonna take you to a cave_

_Where we can be depraved_

_Come on get on my swan ride_

_I've tried to kill you for so long_

_I've marked you as my equal, but_

_You're too shy to use it_

_Inside, we both know what's been prophesied_

_Neither can live while the other survives!_

_And in my heart of hearts I know it_

_That just means that we're meant to be!_

_Never gonna blow you up _

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_Gonna make you safe and warm_

_You're never gonna feel forlorn_

_Growing up where I did_

_Never gonna blow you up _

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_Even though my mum may cry_

'_Cause she had to say goodbye_

_Never gonna live a lie like she did_

_(Ooh, eat you up) _

_(Ooh, eat you up)_

_I could just eat, I could just eat_

_(Eat you up)_

_I just wanna drink, Just wanna drink_

_(Drink you in)_

_I've tried to kill you for so long_

_I've marked you as my equal, but_

_You're too shy to use it_

_Inside, we both know what's been prophesied_

_Neither can live while the other survives_

_Even if I slip you veritaserum_

_Don't tell me you're too young for me_

_Never gonna blow you up _

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_Gonna keep it safe and sound_

_Locked up high above the ground_

_Never know she keeps a piece of my love_

_Never gonna blow you up _

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_In a world where magic is might_

_The pure of blood come to light_

_In the home of the white peacock_

_Never gonna blow you up _

_Never gonna hex you down_

_Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead_

_Gonna let you snake right in_

_Deep throat until we win_

_Gonna fill this chamber with lovin'_

As the song came to a close, the only sound that could be heard was Albus' booted feet shuffling softly along the carpet as he danced.

"Wow," said Sirius.

"Yeah," said Harry.

"RemusLupinkissedme," blurted the older man.

"Come again?" asked Harry, utterly side-tracked.

"Well, I figured that was the gayest thing I, or anyone I know, would ever experience and I planned to take the secret to my grave, but you and You-Know-Who just out-gayed me so I decided to share," Sirius informed him in a rush.

"I saw George and Fred Weasley making out by the potions classroom," Harry added in a daze of shell shock.

"I'm not sure if they out-gayed the Dark Lord... or if that counts as some weird class of narcissism."

"Let's just get on with this so we can go home and have someone obliviate us," said Harry weakly. Sirius nodded. "Um, sir?" Harry hesitantly interrupted the headmaster's dancing. "You said you've been trying to work out the clues in this song for years. It said something about "growing up where I did" and a cave. You've checked places like that already, right?"

Albus Dumbledore smiled bemusedly at Harry. "Did it now? I must admit that I've never actually heard the words to the song. Every time it begins I am overcome with a powerful urge to dance the night away. I thought the music was charmed."

Sirius slowly placed his face in his palm and took several calming breaths. "Well," he said, "at least Albus is the same no matter where we are."


	3. Bonus Chapter

**Author's note: Just a little bonus chapter about what another AU Harry may be experiencing after being displaced by his counterpart. We probably won't write any more about Harrykins, although we may do another bonus chapter or two about different Harrys or Sirius' if the muse strikes us. I also want to mention that we did not write this because we think that this formula is "bad" in any way. Poly and I have both read lots of great fics that use the "Harry's parents are alive, Neville is the boy-who-lived" formula. The joke is simply that there are so MANY of those fics, which isn't a bad thing, 'cause they're fun to read.**

**I've also noticed that most of these fics give Harry a sister named Rose. I suppose they're going for the flower theme, like Lily's parents. However, Harry is kind of a weird name. Harry. Not Harold. Sounds like hairy. Would they really have gone with something as **_**normal **_**as Rose if they had a daughter? Especially since Rowling showed a penchant for choosing eccentric and even (dare I say it) outright cruel names for her characters. **_**Albus Severus Potter. **_**Need I say more? I think they would have gone with something painful, like Gloxinia. It's flower. Look it up!**

**P.S. Chapter 2 is well on its way to being finished so you'll have something significantly longer and better to read soon.**

_**Meanwhile, in another incredibly overdone AU . . .**_

Harrykins Potter Snape woke with a start, sunlight pouring into his room. Sunlight? That wasn't right. No sunlight filtered down to his room in the dungeons, and the Durselys had made sure he never got too close to the windows in case one of the neighbors noticed him. He sat up, taking in his surroundings. He was in a very comfortable bedroom, on the second story judging by the tree branches wafting cheerily in the breeze outside his window. Various articles of clothing were scattered across the floor, and the walls were decorated with several posters of Quidditch teams, music bands, and Gryffindor banners. All in all, it looked like the room of a perfectly normal teenage boy. Harry, however, was not a perfectly normal teenage boy, he already wanted his nursery... the thought of Mr Sparkles prancing along the padding of his crib brought an instantaneous feeling of homesickness. Harrykins loved his unicorns, it only made sense, after all he was a unicorn animagus.

There was a knock at the door and a female voice called, "Harry! Dad wants to know if you're _ever _getting up, 'cause I want lunch and Mum won't make it until she knows if you want some!"

This was about the point when Harrykins began to scream.

"Mum, Harry doesn't want lunch! Can you make me a grilled cheese?" the voice continued, oblivious to Harrykins growing sense of terror.

"Rose! Did you do something to your brother?!" demanded a male voice. Harry would have noticed a small scuffle and hushed argument outside his door, but he was too busy having a nervous breakdown, crying into his pillow. The door opened and Harry looked up just in time to meet the gaze of the spectacled man who entered the room. The man's eyes immediately lit with concern, "Harry, what happened? Are you alright?" He sounded bewildered.

Harrykins could only gape at the man standing before him. No. This couldn't be. This had to be some death eater trap, but wouldn't his dad have seen that coming? Why didn't he keep him safe? He could only cry harder, "W-who are you? You look like . . . NO! You're not my dad! I want my dad!_ Sevvy_!" He began to wail.

He expected the man before him to lay it on thick, insisting he was James Potter and that he was Harry's real father. He also wouldn't have been surprised if the man dropped the act and began casting _Crucios _rapid-fire, demanding information on the Order. The man just wrinkled his nose and began rubbing his temples as though he could feel one hell of a migraine coming on. "Oh not another one . . . It's too early for this. And _Sevvy_?" Harrykins scrambled away from the man until his back was to the wall, still wailing for Snape for all his was worth. James rolled his eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh, "_Stupefy_," he stunned the boy tiredly, not even bothering to settle him into a more comfortable position as he flopped awkwardly onto his side, feet dangling off the bed.

"Lily! Floo Dumbledore; we've got another one!" James called down the stairs.

Lily popped her head out of the kitchen as James threw himself onto the couch, reaching for a bottle of firewhiskey. "_Again_?! Where is he?"

"Stunned him," said James simply, downing his firewhiskey in one gulp.

"Was he . . . was another of, you know, _his_?" Lily didn't seem to want to finish the thought.

"Tom Riddle's? No," a look of disgust came over James' face, "I think this one belongs to Severus."

Lily looked rather embarrassed. "Really? Did he attack you?"

"No, he was just... whiney... don't really think that does it justice though."

"It was another Boy-Who-Lived, wasn't it?" Asked Lily. "They're always so whiney, except that one Sirius fathered."

"Yeah, this one has the scar like Neville does. Oh, and the one with the backbone wasn't Sirius' biological son. There was some weird blood adoption thing going on there. Sirius' son was the one who tried to curse me, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Lily?"

"Yes, James?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, hon, but I think you're kinda easy in every dimension but this one."

Lily blushed, "Oh, come on! My counter-parts aren't _that _bad! Most of them only got pregnant because they thought you were dead and found themselves being comforted by . . ."

"Hagrid?" James interjected innocently.

"OK, that one was really weird."


	4. RE: Your Brains

_**Miss Polyptera actually recommends a large group of meat shields, a prison and a bow and arrow in the case of a zombie attack. Use vegetables as weapons at the risk of your own life.**_

_**Mistress Spacecavy seconds Miss Polyptera's recommendations, with the addition of many, many machine guns. Mistress Spacecavy would also like to inform readers that this chapter of **_**The Best Worst Fanfiction**_** counts as your daily serving of vegetables. **_

_**Miss Polyptera would like to conclude with the following statement, "No Zombies or Vegetables were harmed in the making of this chapter."**_

_**Mistress Spacecavy, however, mourns the loss of several zombie vegetables. **_

**Chapter 2 (RE: Your Brains)**:

"I hope you are not opposed to getting a little wet?" Dumbledore inquired, gesturing to the swirling vortex of black water ebbing in and out of a small fissure in the rocks.

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, giving the old man a hard look. Yes, he _did _mind. Albus, however, did not wait for his reluctant companion's response and merely leaped from the cold, wet boulder into the colder, wetter sea. As much as Sirius hated the idea of spending any time with the person who was, essentially, holding them hostage, Harry had pointed out that Albus knew more than anyone about this world and the life of the Voldemort in it, and had insisted the old man join them in their horcrux-hunting efforts. Privately, Harry had attempted to tell Sirius about sneaking onto his cousin's computer to play games late at night and the importance of something called a "meat-shield", but Muggle strategies for magical fights were beyond his attention span. Sirius looked to his godson, who was making a valiant effort to not shiver, in concern. He contemplated ordering the boy to wait there, but knew it would be in vain.

"Sirius," sighed Harry, "I miss the days when only one really, really awful thing would happen to me each school year." With that, the young man dove into the icy depths with considerably less grace that Albus. Turning into Padfoot, Sirius swam up to doggie-paddle beside Harry, who didn't seem to be a very strong swimmer.

When they caught up with Albus, he had already found land and was standing in a small cave at the end of the fissure, muttering disappointedly, "Oh, surely not. So crude."

Sirius trotted up to him, making a point to shake his fur thoroughly free of moisture as soon as he was within splash zone of the headmaster. Glaring at Sirius, Albus refreshed the drying spell he had used on himself. Grinning unrepentantly, Sirius dismissed his animal form and used the same spell on Harry, who seemed to be swallowing his fist in an attempt not to laugh.

"As I was _saying,_" continued Albus, "I rather believe that we are required to make payment to continue on."

"Payment?" asked Harry wearily.

Nodding to himself confidently, Albus Dumbledore pulled a small silver knife out of his sleeve, and make a quick, clean slice on his forearm. Harry winced as blood splattered across the rock face, but Sirius only stared darkly.

Nothing happened.

"Curious," muttered Albus. "Perhaps . . ." he looked over at Harry calculatingly. "Yes, perhaps."

Sirius promptly stepped in, "No! I don't know _what _you're thinking, but you put that knife down and stop looking at my godson like that!"

"Calm yourself, Sirius," Albus placidly sheathed his knife. "Perhaps it is not blood that Tom Riddle is after. I believe the answer to this lies in the theory that I shared with you earlier, and, if so, Harry will be the key."

"You mean the theory that Voldemort is," Harry shuddered, barely able to choke out the next words, "That he's in love with me?"

"Only one way to find out," Sirius grinned wickedly at Harry. "Give it a kiss."

"_What_?!"

Albus brightened at this suggestion, to Harry's horror. "Excellent idea! Harry, if you would be so kind . ." he vanished his own blood before gesturing for Harry to approach the rock. _People think of hygiene in the wierdest circumstances_, Harry couldn't help but think.

"You want me to kiss a rock. For Voldemort," Harry deadpanned. He was rather unimpressed by the whole thing, and not least of all the fact that Sirius seemed to be deriving great amusement from his current plight. Harry marched up to the stone wall as though facing down a mortal enemy, then stopped at the last second and spun around. "It's just a, a fluid thing, isn't it?" He ignored Sirius' snicker. "How 'bout I just spit on it?"

"You can try," supplied Sirius with unconcealed amusement.

"The intimacy of a kiss cannot be falsified, dear Harry," Professor Dumbledore informed him gravely.

Harry decided to give it a go anyways. Rubbing his hands together bracingly, he spit into his right palm and rubbed it against the stone, right over where Dumbledore's blood had been shed moments ago.

Nothing happened.

Harry heard Albus tut disappointedly behind him, while Sirius made a funny noise like a bit of air being let out of a balloon, trying desperately to control his laughter. Harry glared at him. "Looks like it's all or nothing, Harry," his godfather said cheerfully. "Just pull up all the Gryffindor bravery you can muster!"

Rolling his eyes, Harry turned back to the rock. He shifted from one foot to the other. He took a deep breath, and leaned in, only to chicken out and lean back on his heals quickly. Sirius cat-called from behind him. Flushing, Harry threw himself forward, desperately wanting this over with. His lips met the cold stone too roughly and he scratched his nose, but at least the wall didn't cry like the last person he kissed.

"Eureka! A door knob!" said Dumbledore happily. He patted Harry good-naturedly on the shoulder as he opened the door. "Well done, my boy, well done," he said, pushing past Harry and Sirius to enter the dark chamber first.

Harry turned to Sirius, "You saw that door knob the second we got here, didn't you?"

Sirius only snickered in response, following Albus.

They found themselves standing on the rocky bank of a massive lake, so expansive the other side could not be seen by the light of their three wands. The center emitted an ominous, soft pink glow. Sirius cast his wandlight over the inky water, gazing curiously into its depths, only to immediately throw himself back against the rock wall, letting loose the most creative, colorful string of curses Harry had ever heard.

"I see this is what happened to the remaining legions of the Dark Lord's army of inferi," Dumbledore observed gravely.

"What're inferi?" Harry asked, also leaning over the edge of the water. Sirius immediately pulled him back, but not before he had a chance to regret his actions. Inches below the water floated a jumble of grotesque, white limbs. He picked out at least two pairs of glassy, blank eyes staring up at the cavernous ceiling and several bloated, naked mid-sections.

"Do not touch the water," said Dumbledore firmly. "I do not believe they will harm us otherwise."

"You know that crazy bastard must have put the damned horcrux in the middle," grumbled Sirius bitterly. "How're we supposed to get to it without touching the water?"

"If only we brought our brooms," commented Harry, thinking of the Hungarian Horntail. He wasn't sure if his counterpart had a Firebolt, actually he doubted it, but if somehow he did it was likely hundreds of miles away at Hogwarts, out of range for even the strongest summoning charms.

Sirius looked at Harry proudly, "That's a great idea, Harry! It'll only set us back about an hour to go back to Hogwarts for some brooms."

Dumbledore chose not to comment on this plan, instead stooping to pick up a softball-sized rock from the ground and hurl it through the air towards the center of the lake. At least a dozen bolts of lightning rent the blackness, vaporizing the rock instantaneously. They could just make out several pale arms breach the water, grasping at the film of dust the demolished rock left on the surface. " . . . Or not. Not flying is good, too," said Sirius faintly.

"Tom will have made sure there was a way to reach the horcrux safely," Dumbledore informed them. "He would want to be able to retrieve it, or, more likely, force an unlucky servant to retrieve it. It is also very likely that Tom meant for Harry to reach it one day, which is one reason why it is so important that young Harry has joined us today," he smiled at Harry as though being dragged into inferi-infested caves containing pieces of an evil wizard's soul was a special treat reserved only for very privileged boys. "Come. I am confident we can find a way across. I taught Tom; I am familiar with his... style."

That vague statement had the trio skirting both the lake and implications of pedophilia. This headmaster seemed significantly different from the one they had left at home. Dumbledore and Sirius were muttering advanced incantations over their wands, Harry trailing behind feeling rather useless. After about ten minutes of slow movement and tense concentration, Sirius heard a rattle and felt his shin hit something he couldn't see, sending him sprawling on the cold stone. "_Oof_!"

Albus waved his wand over the area, muttering. "I am detecting traces of magic here. There is something hidden . . ."

"_Ya think_?!" said Sirius irritably as Harry helped him to his feet.

Dumbledore grasped the empty air as soon as Sirius was clear, tapping his clenched fist with his wand. A thick chain materialized in his hands and began winding its way through the headmaster's hands and coiling itself onto the ground. After several seconds a large, white object broke the dark surface of the lake, glowing with the same unearthly pink hue as the center. A small vessel rose from the inky depths, banking silently against the rough three wizards stared mutely at Voldemort's creation. It stared back.

"Well, it's a boat," Harry commented uncertainly, relieved that at least it hadn't come up out of the water with any brain-eating passengers.

"Loosely speaking," said Sirius, poking the thing's prow in disgust. It was a giant swan; the kind you see in muggle rides with names like "The Tunnel of Love." The white wooden wings rose up behind the purple vinyl seats to form a heart shape and baleful eyes made of sapphires shone down on them from the bird's head.

"It shall be a tight squeeze, gentlemen, but all aboard!" Dumbledore jumped into the thing cheerfully.

Harry looked doubtfully up at Sirius, who sighed in resignation before boarding the small vessel. It remained surprisingly steady as he clambered aboard. Harry immediately joined him, careful not to look into the dark water. It was an incredibly tight squeeze on the seat clearly built for two, despite the trio all being incredibly thin due to old age, malnourishment at the hands of neglectful relatives, and twelve years in prison, respectively. He struggled to stay sitting straight as what seemed to be a built in dip in the seat tilted him almost into Sirius' lap, the headmaster he noted wasn't even attempting to fight the boat and had settled himself in leaning against a disgusted and resigned looking Sirius. The boat began to move as soon as they were fairly settled, although how it knew they were ready to depart one could only guess. Elton John music began to play softly in the background as the boat slowly turned and drifted purposefully toward the glow in the center of the lake.

It seemed to take an eternity to reach a small island. Harry and Sirius both gripped their wands tightly enough to break normal wood, starting at the sound of any movement. Albus' hands rested calmly in his lap as he hummed along to _Tiny Dancer_, completely unconcerned about the army of undead floating beneath their swan boat. When they finally banked, Harry and Sirius disembarked cautiously but quickly, worried the sickeningly romantic boat would leave without them. "Should we tie it to something?" Harry couldn't help asking.

"It will wait," said Dumbledore with certainty as he strode purposefully towards the center of the island.

Harry and Sirius joined the elder man beside a stone basin about the size of a mixing bowl. It was full of a pink liquid which seemed to be responsible for the island's phosphorescent glow. At the very bottom of the basin lay a heart-shaped locket.

"Is that . . . it?" Harry wasn't sure what else to say. He'd been expecting something more sinister, like a shrunken house elf head or one of those disks AOL was always mailing out.

Albus nodded, gazing intently into the glowing liquid. "This locket is definitely a horcrux. Somehow, I doubt it will be as simple as reaching in." Harry and Sirius watched as Dumbledore conjured a ten-foot pole and poked at the basin from a sensible distance. The wood was unable to penetrate the fluid, coming into contact with an invisible, solid barrier. The headmaster returned to the basin and began muttering incantations over it. Nothing happened, except after several attempts _Your Song _was abruptly cut off, to be replaced with Voldemort's remix of _Never Gonna Give You Up._

"Not this again," moaned Sirius, losing his patience.

"Yes," murmured Albus as his feet tapped along with the song, "There is only one way. We will have to drink."

" '_We' _?" asked Sirius pointedly.

"Ah, of course," Albus nodded in the younger man's direction before conjuring a goblet. "This potion was, I expect, meant for Harry, so -" Sirius glowered at Dumbledore threateningly, prepared to go for his wand, and the headmaster faltered for a second, "-so, of course dear Harry should not go anywhere near it. Sirius, if you would be so kind."

Sirius looked at the proffered goblet as though it had been a prop in _Two Girls, One Cup_. Harry was the first to find his voice, "You can't make Sirius drink that! Do you even know what it is?! We agreed to help you find the horcruxes (in lieu of being locked in the Department of Mysteries as human guinea pigs, I might add!) and here we are. Horcrux. Right there. _You _drink the fruit punch of the damned!"

Albus opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius cut him off, "And what the hell makes you think someone has to drink it, anyway?! What kind of logic is that? Oh, I have a bucket of poison created by the most evil wizard ever to live and I can't vanish it or put my hand in. Better _drink _it; that makes sense. It would be ever so wasteful to _pour it on the ground_!"

Dumbledore's mouth closed with an audible _click_ and he gave them a hard stare. "I should like to see you try," he said after a long moment.

Never one to back down from a challenge, Sirius roughly grabbed the conjured goblet from Dumbledore's hand and marched over to the basic. "Er, Sirius . . ." Harry began hesitantly, but his protests died in his throat. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to touch to potion, but surely this had to be attempted before someone tried to _drink_ it.

Sirius actually looked surprised when the goblet passed uninhibited through the invisible barrier and filled with pink liquid. Apparently he hadn't expected Dumbledore to have been right. His shock quickly changed to triumph as he raised the goblet and began to pour its contents onto the stone ground. The liquid never reached its destination. Abruptly vanishing as it came within an inch of the ground, the basin filled to the brim again as Sirius emptied the goblet. "Damn it!" he snarled. The only thing Sirius hated more than being thrust into alternate dimensions where he was living in a tent with a pregnant man was being proved wrong. "I'm still not drinking it," he added sullenly.

With a rather long-suffering sigh, Albus plucked the goblet from Sirius' hand. "Very well," he began, "but I expect that whatever this is, it will be difficult to drink. It may cause so much pain as to make drinking intolerable, or simply compel the imbiber to go for a rather unfortunate swim." He eyed the inferi-infested water darkly. "The two of you must, no matter what, force me to drink all of the potion."

Harry almost voiced protest. The thought of forcing his headmaster to drink something that caused him pain made his stomach turn, but he firmly reminded himself that this wasn't _his_ headmaster. He'd only just met this Dumbledore and already the man had manipulated him into going into a death-trap of a cave hunting for bits of the soul belonging to a man he had apparently been grooming Harry to kill since early childhood. His Dumbledore would _never_ do something like that. Plus, just a moment ago he'd suggested Sirius drink the stuff. Harry remained silent, only nodding his consent along with his godfather.

Sirius and Harry exchanged a slightly disbelieving glance as Dumbledore, true to his word, filled the goblet and raised it to his lips. Unlike when it was poured out, the liquid did not reappear in the basin, instead disappearing down the headmaster's throat as intended. Draining the goblet completely, Albus lowered it cautiously, licking his lips thoughtfully as though savoring a unique wine. The displaced pair watched him with bated breath, wondering if the older man would simply drop dead, or do something crazy to take them down with him. Albus closed his eyes and murmured softly, "So beautiful. He has such a way with words . . ." The man opened his glazed eyes, taking a step towards the swan boat while humming along with Tom Riddle's disturbing love ballad.

"Oh, no," groaned Harry. He and Sirius darted over to the older man, grabbing him firmly and dragging him back towards the basin.

"No! Unhand me! I must reach my love!" gasped Dumbledore, waving his wand wildly. Heart-shaped bubbles flowed from the tip in a steady stream, and Sirius took the opportunity to wrest the wand away from Albus when he made a particularly wide wave, in case he decided to hit them with something more potent than bubbles. "Tom! Come for me!"

"What's _wrong_ with him?!" panted Harry as they hauled the surprisingly strong man across the stone.

Sirius gave Harry a grim smile, "I think that's a love potion."

Harry looked over to the glowing basin, startled. "You mean . . . ?" Dumbledore cut harry off before he could gather the nerve to finish that horrifying thought, belting out,

"_Hold me closer Tommy Riddle_

_Count the headlights on the highway_

_Lay me down in sheets of linen_

_You had a busy day today_"

Sirius winced, "That is the worst attempt at serenading a lover I have ever heard. No wonder Albus never married."

Filling the goblet once again, Harry offered it to the headmaster, "Er, here sir. It's a voice potion. It will make your singing not so . .."

"Terrible," Sirius finished bluntly. "Better do it. I hear Tom's pretty picky."

Albus' eyes widened at the thought of rejection, and he eagerly quaffed his second goblet.

"Quick, give him another," Sirius commanded. "Before he starts singing again." Harry obliged, holding yet another cup of glowing pink potion to Dumbledore's lips. "It's mouthwash," explained Sirius. "Your breath is pretty bad. You should use some before you see Voldemort. Hell, you might as well just drink it." They watched in shock as Dumbledore did just that, downing the goblet of potion in seconds while Sirius mouthed silently at Harry, '_I can't believe that worked_!'

Thus the pair continued, encouraging Albus to drink cup after cup of the vile potion. The man seemed to get more desperate to see his beloved after every mouthful. Finally, they reached the bottom, Albus straining against Sirius' arms and practically panting with eagerness to find Voldemort. Harry gingerly picked the locket out of the basin. He felt almost triumphant, until her remembered there were six more.

"That was actually easier than I expected," Sirius commented.

Harry, filled with morbid curiosity, opened the locket held the locket up to the light, turning it this way and that way trying to see the image inside.

"What's that picture inside?" asked Sirius. "It looks like someone spilled ink all over it . ."

Harry turned the locket so that he could see it better, a strange sense of dread filling him. It did look a bit like a picture of spilled ink . . . it was familiar, though. He had seen something like this on the Dursleys mantlepiece.

"Sirius, did my mum ever go to see a muggle doctor when she was pregnant with me?"

"Oh loads of times, Harry. Your mum's parents were in fits with the whole thing, thought we were in the 'dark ages of health care'. They insisted that you mum couldn't give birth in a 'medieval cesspit'."

"Did they ever bring back pictures? One of me before I was born?"

"I think a few. James and I never could see anything; it was just a black and white blur, really," his eyes widened as he realized what Harry was implying. "You don't suppose . . ?"

"Sirius.. you don't think he was telling the truth do you? This couldn't be my ultrasound picture? My picture in a heart shaped locket... it has LV 4 HP engraved on the front... Voldemort can't really be in love with me?"

Sirius opened his mouth to make a snarky comment, then grunted painfully as Dumbledore stepped on his feet yet again, groaning pitifully for '_Tommy, beloved Tommy_.' "Oh, alright! Go! We'll find your damned boy toy," he released the older man, rubbing his stiff arms immediately. Albus darted away, yelling incoherently.

"Are you sure that was a good idea?" asked Harry. "He seemed pretty -" _splash_! "- impaired."

"He jumped in the water, didn't he?"

"Yup."

"Shit."

"Yup."

The island was suddenly surrounded by incoherent groaning and disquieting squelching sounds. Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, scrunching his eyes shut in annoyance. "We're about to be eaten by inferi, aren't we?"

"Less talking, more blasting!" snapped Harry, wiping out his wand. "We could try conjuring cabbage maybe? It looks a bit like brains.. they might go for that instead of ours!"

Sirius gave Harry one confused glance before he leapt into action, throwing himself in the direction of Dumbledore's piteous cries of, "_Tom! Save me, Tom_!" and blasting the inferi away from him with a few well-aimed fire spells. He did notice, disturbingly, that the inferi only seemed to be tickling Dumbledore, rather that drowning him or eating his brains. One seemed to be braiding pink carnations into his hair. Harry, who was considering discarding his cabbages in favor of cauliflower, caught on and began firing blasting charms at everything that moved. Setting the cabbages on fire before banishing them at the inferi seemed especially effective.

Dragging the headmaster towards his godson, Sirius cried, "It's no use! There's too many of them! Drop the horcrux!"

Harry gaped at him in horror, "_Drop it_?! After all we -"

Sirius cut him off desperately, "Trust me!" He practically flung Albus into the boat as Harry nodded reluctantly and dropped the locket on the ground. The inferi showed no signs of ending their attack when the horcrux left his hand, but Sirius hadn't been expecting them to. "_Ignis Deviaunt_!" Sirius cast the second his godson was on the boat. He had to throw himself onto the vessel, barely avoiding the all-consuming flames. Thankfully, the boat began to move immediately as the island and everything on it was consumed by the fiendfyre.

"_Little . .. help_!" Harry gasped, distracting Sirius from the mass of flames and groans of the inferi within. He turned to find his godson struggling with Dumbledore, who was moaning that the boat wasn't fast enough and seemed to want a repeat of his earlier swim.

Sirius waved his wand and the headmaster was bound head to toe in rope. Harry dropped him, sighing in relief. As the older man continued to loudly and pathetically pine for his beloved, Sirius conjured a gag for good measure.

"That fire you conjured, will it destroy the horcrux?" asked Harry after a few moments. He wasn't sure he wanted the answer, if that had all been for nothing.

Sirius grinned, "Yup! Fiendfyre will kill _anything. _Horcruxes, vampires, syphilis..."

Harry couldn't help but grin, partly from a sense of accomplishment, and partly because the man who had blackmailed them into risking their lives for his bizarre cause was now trussed up like a Christmas turkey, mind turned to mush. "Well, one down, I guess."

_A/N: Wow, a bit of Dumbledore bashing in this one! I actually like Dumbledore. I think Rowling used him as a great illustration of how even great, respectable leaders can be flawed and make huge mistakes like anyone. However, as I was writing this the question had to be asked: What would Albus Dumbledore have done differently in the cave had he not known he was dying? What if Sirius was still alive at the time? Surely Sirius would want to accompany them. I can't help but think, if the three of them had made it to the island together (somehow getting around the one-adult-in-the-boat thing), it would have made the most sense to make Sirius drink. Harry is the prophesied savior of the wizarding world; can't risk him. Albus is the only one Voldemort fears, plus it makes no sense to weaken the strongest member of your party. I'm not sure even Albus would be coldly logical enough to make someone do it, though._

_I'm curious what you all think, though! If you have any thoughts as to how the cave incident would have gone had Albus not been terminally ill, or if Sirius had been there, let me know i__your review!_

**- Spacecavy**


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